The stage is set; all props are ready to go. Costumes are on and actors are ready. The director is nowhere to be found. He tells me days before that he needs his peace before the show, like the calm before the storm. My hands are clammy as they reach for the walkie-talkies. I hand one out to each of the tech crewmembers. We yell military codes into them to make sure they qualify the sound check “10 niner, we have a 10 niner. Reporting for back up. Pew pew pew.” And the guys jump around the room dodging bullets from the imaginary foes. They pass the test. I call for a light check. All the lights go off, then return to full blast. I take a sigh of relief. My heart is still pounding as I watch the wireless mics be distributed to the actors for the sound check. I look for comfort in Mia.
Mia is quietly sitting at her sit in front of the light board. She gives me a quick smile as everything we have been through goes through her head before bashfully looking away. I chuckle slightly as it pat her on the head. She begins to tinker away at the light board making sure no glitches occur on our opening night of the show.
All I can do now is sit back and watch my creation take its destined course. The familiar music consumes the auditorium as I stare at the lights going up and the curtains drawing back. My heart flutters and I start to remember how I got to this spot.
I walk in to H’s room. H is the name of the drama teacher. He has a shaggy beard and tiny brown eyes atop his athletic stature. H looks at you in an almost, know your entire life, kind of way. He is a very cocky sort of a being. Just approaching him I get weary. He radiates a certain aura that draws you in and makes you want to be apart of it. Anyway, as I stand here blankly, in a sort of daze. He looks at me as though I am a zombie. After about a minute of awkward silence he slowly says, “yes?”
I take a deep breath, not knowing that the next question I was about to ask was going to change the rest of my life. My back stiffens and I pull at my shirt, “Well, you see.” I fumble my words and kick at the ground. H shuffles in his chair restlessly. “yes.”
“Well, see, I don’t have a class fourth hour and well, I was wondering. See you know that I like being on the technical crew. And..”
H throws up his hand and silences me for a moment. Then starts to swing his keys around habitually “Julie, I do not have a lot of time.” His eyes are no longer looking in my direction.
I try again, “Ok, yes, I understand. But, I was just wondering if I could take an independent study with you?” and as soon as those words left my mouth, his head perked up, and he looks over at me. “Are you sure you want to do that?” His eyebrows furrow.
I feel a sort of calm in my heart. For the first time in my life, I am going for what I want to do, and no one was going to tell me other wise. I boldly state, “yes.”
I stand in the seam shop alone. Looking for comfort in the hollow pieces of wood that make a tomb around me. My mission is clear, build the set I have just finished designing. But it is harder then anything I have ever done in the past. Every sliver, every cut feels like a stab at my inner being, almost as if trying to keep me from achieving the greater goal. I hang my head in defeat. Footsteps echo off the walls and I look up and blink. My eyes focus once again and H becomes visible. My head spins as the battle inside of me grows. I begin to wonder if I should pour my heart out to H and tell the struggles I am trying to over come, or just berry them away. Should I just run up to him and yell “My father walked out on me when I was a baby. I am lost. I get scared sometimes to even leave the house. I don’t know why he does not like me. What did I do to him? Why am I so horrible?” My emotions get push back into the bottle I contain them in and I just stiffen my back. The only thing that rings in my head is that this is not the time, nor the place. And who was I kidding, I have never told anybody before, so why start now. So I just stare blank faced as I say “What’s up?”
H looks at me for a moment. I don’t look long enough for him to see my body shake and my tear ducks fill. I grab a piece of wood and chop away at it to distract my mind. H stands there until I drop the piece of wood and it hits me in the foot. In some sort of built up retaliation I whip the board across the cement room. As it toppled to the ground I start to feel a tingling throughout my body.
H simply looks at me and I burst into tears. I quickly say sorry and that it wont happen again then scurry to pick up the abused piece of wood. But my heart is screaming for me to convey my past burdens. His face is calming and his eyes gleam with softness. He motions for me to come closer. With hesitation in my step I walk slowly over. For the next hour or so we share past memories. I open my life up for someone to hear. For someone to know why I cry at weddings and there is a daddy daughter dance. To make a deeper connection with somebody than just a normal flaky passing by happenstance.
If a needle was dropped right now, I bet it could be heard a million miles away. Mr. Borst, the music director, saunters into the auditorium as if he owns the place. He projected, so everyone could hear him of course, “It’s time to get down to business. Lets learn this song.”
To be honest, I was a bit nervous. I was told that if these actors can’t sing this song right, it will leave a sour taste in the audiences mouth, because it will be the last thing they will hear. I try to push that thought aside and put on a comforting smile, as I start to see the actors eyes shift side to side with doubt in their expressions. Mr. Borst opens his mouth and starts to sing, he sings it once through, telling us that it was just so he could demonstrate it properly. And now, it is time for the actors to do their parts. I feel faint, my pulse is irregular and I have a cold sweet.
“Mia, just tell me when it is over.” I cover my eyes and turn my head aside. The first note rang out as if an angle came down and kissed me gently upon my inner soul. The next note was as if I was looking at my self as a child, running through the flowers laughing as children do. When the song came to an end I stood there in complete solitude. The music still encircling my very being, lifting me higher. Whispering that I concur the very world.
“Julie..?” Mia’s tiny body peeps. I look at her as if I were a new human. A single tear ran down my check. But Mia will never know how much escaped my body with that single tear.
This is it, my big night, the night I had dreamed of, for four months. My heart is now uncontrollable. In a blink of an eye opening and closing nights are over and I was staging on a stage that need to get rid of my masterpiece. As I watched the house, my stage, my home, my dreams, being torn down, a piece of my heart was lost. This, set if you will, symbolized much more then a place for the actors to act. It was my struggles, my love, my dream. And it was all gone in less then two hours. As the curtain closes one last time, I stand on the stage that is naked in my eyes. That is, until H came up to me. Nothing needed to be said. But everything happens for a reason.
“Julie, your life is forever changed. You no longer let others rule. You have a back bone. And you will do great things in your life. I am very proud of you, and the first moment when you walked into my office, I knew that you were the one that needed this play more then any other person. But now, it is time to let go and move on. Stay here for one more minute, and then turn off the lights and shut the door.”
His foot steps echoed through out the auditorium as he stepped out of the door. I hear the door close and I stand here. I take a deep breath and turn off the lights, for good.
